Just got everything I needed from ikea. Surprisingly enough that was an extremely hard trip for me. I always imagined picking out stuff with you for our apartment or house. This is nothing more then a vent to calm down my anxiety. I’m just glad I won’t have to go there for a long long time.
Our last talk was a huge improvement from before. I feel we covered a lot of good points and made progress. But to be completely honest I’m still uneasy. Still waking up dumb early tossing and turning with doubts and nightmares. I’m not happy simple as that. I feel unwanted and just a bother. It hurts me so much that I very well have been replaced. The pain is indescribable that someone else can answer you mentally physically and sexually. I struggle to have just the slightest responses from you while he gets you all to himself. I’m in this endless limbo of hope and doubt. I’m so tired of feeling this way. Maybe you are just to scared to tell me to walk away. But being truthful to yourself is the only way to move forward. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I know you talk about the single life and it’s what you want. But did you make that decision with the thought I would always be there as a back up plan? You know what I want and if what we have is truly unsalvageable then I’m not mad. This whole situation is eating away at my sleep and eating habits. Even work is terrible every night. I’m exhausted every way imaginable.
My new bed is fully operational. Can’t wait to test this baby out tonight. Sleeping on an air mattress for the past couple of days started to hurt my back. Maybe it didn’t have enough air in it or something. The start of today looked very grim but turned out very positive. A leap in the right direction I hope for the both of us. I’m glad we got to talk after the past week of silence. Going to try to get some rest before work so I get a little sample of what I get to look forward to.
Even though this is all so soon. I’m waiting for the day she contacts me first. The feeling of being wanted is so powerful. Until that happens then I’ll know it’s real.
There is so much I want to say but I’m respecting your space. So many thoughts unanswered that I wish we could talk about. My head is going 100mph please just talk to me.
Marrying young is not the end of my freedom. It means I want to travel and see the world, but with her by my side. It means I still like drinking in bars and dancing in clubs, but stumbling home with her at 2am and eating pizza in our underwear. It means I know that I want to kiss those lips every morning, and every night before bed. If you see marriage as the end of your ‘freedom’, you’re doing it wrong.
I want you mentally emotionally and sexually. I crave your voice and smell and I’m falling apart right now. These past days have been some of the hardest days I’ve lived through. When will time heal me.